Often in my work with adults, I help them to reclaim some of the characteristics that were lost from childhood: the capacity to play with abandon, to be completely engaged in the present moment, to not care what others think of them, to dance because it feels good, unaware of whether or not it looks good, and to have a temper tantrum when it all gets too much. Now, I know that in reality we have to learn how to not have temper tantrums in a grocery store, but why can’t we have one in the privacy of our own home? Intentional temper tantrums are a great way to get the excess energy out.
Words are like that too. Children don’t have much of a filter when it comes to speaking. They will tell you “I think you’re pretty” one moment and “I hate you!” the next.
In our socialization into adulthood, we necessarily learn how to filter, and to set boundaries on our own behavior. The problem is we learn to contain too much of our natural impulses, so we cage in both the harmful and the helpful. We eke out both the “I hate you” and “I love you.” And in that process, we limit our pain but also our joy as well as the pain and joy we might elicit in others.
We don’t build cages without a reason. The part of you that keeps the door shut is not a censor, it is a sentinel. It began its watch when you were small, on a day when you said the true thing out loud and watched a face change, and it has never stood down. It has kept you from saying the cruel thing in the heat, and it deserves to be thanked for that. The challenge is that it cannot tell the difference between the words that wound and the words that bless. Both come from the same direction at the same speed, so it stops them both at the gate.
All of us want more joy and less suffering. If you want more joy and more sweet feeling in your life, one path to that is to soften the restraint of your connective and joyful impulses, which actually may be pushed so far underground that you might not even be aware of them. This is part of the practice of mindfulness and embodiment – to come into contact with our sweet impulses and to develop practices that encourage loving impulse.
Today, I encourage you to notice others while looking for the good. Did your husband do something kind and thoughtful? Tell him how much you appreciate it. Tell your wife she’s beautiful, sexy, smart, etc. And don’t let your words of grace be reserved for your loved ones. Give them liberally out to strangers. Did your server give you great service? Tell him. Does the clerk have a sweet smile? Tell her. Do you like the way someone’s dressed? Share it. Does the stranger in the elevator smell good? Speak it. Notice with a kind eye because we are all far too often unseen in the world.
So, I invite you to practice this for one day. Give out compliments with abandon. Notice the reactions in the receiver and the gift you give when your words of kindness reach the ears and heart of another human being. Notice, too, how you feel inside after a day of giving others the gift of noticing and complimenting.
Some of it might land badly. Not every stranger wants to be spoken to, and not every body is read the same way when it comes near. A woman alone in an elevator is doing her own arithmetic and your kindness is not the only figure in it. So aim at what a person has done and chosen rather than at what they are carrying, keep your hands to yourself, and let it go the moment it is not wanted. One day of this will not open a cage that took a lifetime to build, either. The sentinel does not retire. It learns, slowly, that some things can be let through.
Kindness breeds kindness and love breeds love. When we let our words speak the language of love, we feel the love within our own hearts. So if you want more love, give more love.
Here is what the cage does not advertise: you are the one inside it. Every sentence you swallow is one you never get to hear yourself say. I have sat with people who spent decades being careful and arrived at the far end of it having been kind almost entirely in their own heads. Say it out loud while the person is still standing in front of you.
May your day be filled with beautiful connections and words of grace and kindness.