I am never
I mean NEVER
out of control in public and
I have a part that disdains people who do.
but here I am
riding the intensity of unexpected synergistic effects and
wobbling.
my chosen family dances next to me,
in the fullness of their own experiences but
aware
of me.
and in the moments when balance is on the verge of toppling
an arm appears
to lend the stability that has lost itself in the music.
one friend offers an arm each time he
walks me to the bathroom.
others sit next to me while I breathe through waves of
so much beauty or
so much pain,
a loving hand on my back,
I am with you,
without coddling,
without a need for words.
and here is what I did not expect:
the part of me that disdains,
the one braced for the shame,
finds no shame anywhere in this place.
only hands. only presence.
it stops bracing.
it lets itself be held.
even a sweet young stranger,
witness to my altered state,
lovingly directs me back to my seat when I have lost my way.
I am never
I mean NEVER
out of control in public and
I have a part that disdains people who do.
but here I am
riding the intensity of unexpected synergistic effects,
wobbling.
but I have never felt this Out of Control
and this safe.
the judge in me is quiet.
something in my chest has come unclenched.
maybe there is something to letting go
and letting others.
© Sabrina Santa Clara, 2022